No! Not Boner! Why, God, WHY!?

Well, sad news. Boner died. Boner from the 1980's sitcom, Growing Pains, that is.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/accesshollywood/100325/entertainment/police__former__growing_pains__star_andrew_koenig_found_dead_in_vancouver

The interesting part of the story is the quote from Kirk Cameron, who, apparently after living the wildly hedonistic lifestyle of a teenage sex symbol in the 1980s (which presumably involved snorting a lot of cocaine and screwing "chicks" with big bangs and tight jeans), began to fear for his everlasting soul, and was born again. Kirk, who publicly and vocally demonstrates his newfound stupidity on a fairly regular basis, made the following comment about Boner, who, at the time of Kirk's empty-headed blabber, was still missing:

"I am very concerned to hear of the disappearance of my old friend Andrew Koenig. Although I have not had contact with him for many years, I can remember many of the fun times we had on the set of 'Growing Pains.' ... Andrew, if you're reading this, please call me. Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it. I'm praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon."

Let's unpack this statement. First, just an observation, but Kirk seems to be confused as to the nature of reality and his identity, and seems to think that because Mike (who was Kirk's Growing Pains character) and Boner could have writers "work things out," that somehow that translates to reality. In any case, the truly irritating part of the statement is, "I'm praying for you, pal." You hear that Boner? Kirk/Mike is praying for you. I wonder how that prayer went?

"Dear God, Boner is missing. Boner and I had such good times, before I was born again. Now I'm having a hard time finding Boner, and I am spraying, er, I mean praying to you find him. I know he is out there, limp in some ditch, drained of energy, just waiting for your love. Be firm but gentle with him, Lord, and help bring Boner back. Amen"

Anyhow, it turns out Boner committed suicide, which we can probably all view as a cautionary tale against nicknames like 'Boner.' But, the real point is that Kirk/Mike's prayers were not the spiritual Viagra that Boner seemed to need. He might as well have prayed to Zeus, a donut or my cat for all the good it did Boner. Do offhand comments like "I'm praying for you." make the Christ-tarded feel like they are doing something good in the world, without actually having to do anything? I think so, as it is a very, "the cheque is in the mail" comment. For Christ's sake, the very least Kirk/Mike could have done is gone on Youtube to ask for some help with Boner. He showed no hesitation in going on Youtube with his heterosexual life partner, Ray Comfort, to torture us all with his verbal spam about God designing the perfect fruit in the form of the banana. That is a whole other chapter in the Book of Stupid, by the way, but one better left for another day.

One question: if Boner did turn up, I think we can safely assume that Kirk/Mike would have attributed the return of Boner to a cosmic handjob from God (although maybe not in those words). What Kirk/Mike fails to realize is that if the return of Boner is God's doing, the death of Boner must also be blamed on God. In other words, God could have saved Boner, but didn't. Why? The Catholics certainly don't favor masturbation, but I assume there is no prohibition against a good woody now and then, so that can't be it. But, getting back to the point: some missing people turn up and some don't. So, if Kirk/Mike prays to an invisible man to bring back his friend, Boner, and he doesn't, the obvious conclusion is that God hates Kirk/Mike and maybe Boner. Tough luck, guys.

And, just in case reading all this made you think I am a callous prick, congratulations, you are right. Really, though, I mourn the loss of Boner just as much as any guy would.

So long Boner, keep your Pecker up!