God gave Angels wings so they wouldn't have to fly on airplanes.

Just for a change, here's a letter I wrote to American Airlines. It has nothing to do with religion or christianity. Still, just like christianity and religion in general, it involves bufoons. A tip of the giant pope hat to Temple (whose name I capitalize out of respect) for the title.

Dear American Airlines,

My family and I recently had the dubious pleasure of flying with your airline. Allow me to share our experience with you. But first, a question for you folks. Why do you hate luggage so much? Did your CEO have a bad experience with a particularly hostile suitcase as a child, perhaps locking himself inside and ending up flying in an unpressurised baggage hold and ending up in Hong Kong? Perhaps he is in the habit of flying to distant locales without luggage as he is probably wealthy enough to purchase an entire wardrobe upon arrival at his destination. Sadly, not all of us are able to sleep on mattresses stuffed with money and must take essential items which we already own with us.

We were on our way to Miami to catch a shuttle to deliver us to a cruise ship leaving Ft. Lauderdale at 5:00 p.m. on Saturday, March 13, 2010. The flight was to leave Montreal at approximately 6:30 a.m. and arrive in New York where we were to board a connecting flight to Miami. It appeared to us, perhaps stupidly, that ten and one-half hours would give us ample time to reach the ship. Arriving at the airport, we found that American Airlines wanted to pry an additional fifteen dollars out of our pockets for each piece of checked luggage. I find this rather perplexing. I, and most people I know, are not in the habit of travelling long distances without clothing, toiletries, and the like. Hence one would have thought that luggage was an essential component of a successful and hygienic holiday. However, American Airlines apparently considers luggage to be a frill of some kind rather than a necessity. How else to explain the additional charge levied on top of the price of the ticket itself? Given the recent paranoid restrictions to carry-on size and items contained therein, it becomes unfeasible to pack all the things one might reasonably need for a trip into this small space. One could, I suppose, wear all of ones clothing onboard, layering multiple pairs of underwear, socks, pants, shirts, jackets, sweaters, ties, shoes etcetera on one’s own body, and stuffing the pockets with toothbrushes, hairbrushes, medicines, deodorants, hair products (in ridiculously tiny portions, lest a bottle of Head and Shoulders turnout to be, in reality, some kind of diabolical and dangerous explosive, the likes of which had not even been invented and exists only in the fertile and overly panic-stricken mind of some company policy wonk). I suspect though that wearing all these items would result in a comically overdressed individuals who would have a difficult time fitting into the ridiculously tiny seats that your airline believes are adequate for human use. In addition, the danger of overheating and passing out would also be a problem, but at least once shoe-horned into the minuscule area allotted for passengers, falling over unconscious and hitting one’s head on the floor would be obviated.

In any case, after boarding the plane, the passengers were suddenly asked to, I believe the term in airline speak is, de-plane. An unusual smell had been detected and as a precaution, we left so a team of crack engineers could locate and hopefully fix the problem. Two hours later, the burned out fluorescent bulb at the centre of the panic was replaced and we all dutifully returned to enjoy the next few hours with our knees squished roughly to the proximity of our ears. I understand that safety comes first, but how hard is it really to find and replace a light bulb? The flight itself was uneventful, save for the usual in-flight price gouging we have come to expect and loathe. Charging for headsets? Really? I expect soon there will be an additional charge for oxygen. Still, the overpriced cheese and crackers looked good, but once again sold to the captive audience at a hefty mark-up.

We landed in Miami now 2 hours late, our cruise ship scheduled to depart in just over an hour. We then had the pleasure of staring at the runway outside for an additional 20 to 25 minutes as for some reason no gates were free for us to taxi up to. This raises another interesting question. Presumably, the airport and at least some American Airlines employees were aware of our impending arrival. Still, no one thought that it might be a good idea to have a place for us to park, perhaps thinking that we might enjoy another half hour sitting in a claustrophobic tin tube while watching the busy goings on at the airport. We managed to finally get off the plane and due to the time wasted, had to run to the shuttle without having time to get our luggage. American Airlines would send it on to us two days hence.

Three of our four cases did, to my great surprise, arrive at our first port of call, Grand Cayman. While three out of four is pretty good, in fact a 75% success rate (kudos), all four would have been nice, especially given that when I personally spoke to an American Airlines representative on the telephone from our ship, I was assured that all four suitcases had been found and shipped on to meet us. Alas, while three is only one integer removed from four, one of our party was still without skivvies, toiletries and odds and sods. After several more days of constant follow-up, the errant bag showed up, just in time for the end of the trip.

Now, while all of the above may be put down to bad luck, circumstance and poor planning, the final incident has truly left me gobsmacked. We checked four perfectly good pieces of luggage at Miami airport, to be routed through to our final destination, Montreal. Again, we were charged an additional 15 dollars per item. So, by my math, American had tallied up some 120 dollars of extra cash dutifully handed over by yours truly and company. Three of said cases were hard sided luggage, pretty much impervious to most expected abuse and insult. Two of these cases had in fact travelled extensively all over the world, including long flights to Africa and Europe, surviving all the attendant handling without so much as a scratch. However, upon arriving in Montreal and collecting our luggage, it became apparent that American Airlines is in a class by itself when it comes to luggage handling. Not one, not two, but THREE of our suitcases were severely damaged, including two of the sturdy hard cases. One had a zipper torn asunder, and the other had a 10 or 12 inch gash ripped down one side. The only soft sided suitcase suffered damage to the region around the telescoping handle and, while not totally destroyed, looked as if the culprit was in the middle of mangling the item but was distracted by a shiny object of some description and lost interest in completing the job as it were. You may consider a new slogan for your airline, perhaps ‘75% success rate-that’s a B!’ or ‘we screw up less than half the time!’.
I can only conclude that your luggage handlers consist mainly of uniformed and slightly disgruntled lowland gorillas, or perhaps sociopathic criminals on day parole. Again, this is after paying you the outrageous sum of 15 dollars per suitcase for its presumably safe and intact transport. I shudder to think what may have happened to a kennel of live kittens entrusted to to the care of your team of troglodytes. I have enclosed pictures of the cases in question in the vain hope that you will pay for the damage. The two hard cases have a replacement value of approximately 200 dollars each, while the soft one is worth about 80 dollars or so. Rest assured that the only way I would ever consider availing myself of your services in the future would be after being surreptitiously dosed with strong narcotics, or perhaps threatened with physical harm.