Question for God about slaves

Hi God. Me again. I think I need a couple of slaves. While most "Godly" people say that slavery is repulsive and wrong, You are pretty clear in the Bible that you are totally OK with it. And if you are, I am too!

Anyhow, coming from a fairly democratic and modern country, I think that discipline of my new slaves might be a problem, especially because not a lot of people here are into being slaves. So, assuming I have some unruly slaves, I think a beating is the clear answer. But, how much slave-beating is acceptable to you, God? What to do? Why, check the Bible, of course!

Sure enough, Exodus 21:20-21 provides the answer:

If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.

Just to clarify, if I beat my male or female slaves to death with a rod, I will be punished. If I beat them only badly enough that they are in a coma for a day or two, then I am free and clear, right? What if I beat my slaves to death with, say, a baseball bat and/or a shovel? I'd be OK there, too, right? I mean, you are pretty specific that the rod is part of the equation. Just out of curiosity, why does the rod bother you so much? Is it the phallic connotations? Also, the beating with the rod only applies to male or female slaves, but what about eunuchs? If I have a eunuch slave, is it OK to beat it to death with a rod? I don't think this is very likely to happen, as eunuchification is much less popular than it used to be, but I'd just like to make sure I understand all the angles.

Anyhow, if you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate an answer on this. Perhaps you could flatten another third world country if I have this right?

Anyhoo, off to the slave market!