Hate-E

One of my brothers in God recently emailed me, suggesting that we should help the Haitians. I reproduce his email below, followed by my response, for the pleasure of Christ and the Lord and the Holy Ghostest with the Mostest...and my dear readers, of course.

First, the email from my pious, but slightly retarded friend:

Sir
I know that you are as concerned about the plight of the people of Haiti as I. Following the devastating earthquake, the country is in a chaotic state. Food and water are scarce, medical supplies are in short supply, health workers overstretched. I hope to do something positive about this situation. I cannot fly to Haiti to personally help with the relief efforts. Further, I am loathe to donate money as I have no assurance that it will go to where it will do the most good. Therefore I ask you to join me in prayer to the Almighty, so that we can in this way extend help by proxy, and feel good in the meantime. Surely God will listen to our sincere and heartfelt jibbering, and will finally decide to intervene and grant each and every Haitian shelter, a full belly and regrow limbs. He will, in His glory, raise the dead and heal the sick, He will pave the roads and put a couple of hundred bucks into each Haitians pocket. Surely our just and benevolent God will not ignore our prayers. Pat Robertson rightly pointed out that the earthquake itself was divine retribution for a pact the Haitians made with the devil generations ago. How righteous and glorious is God to wait well over a century to let loose His wrath on a people that was just asking for it.
In His Glory
S

And, now my response!

Dear S,
Your heartfelt concern for the Haitians is certainly commendable, but somewhat misguided. As you correctly mention, Pat Robertson pointed out the pact between the Haitians and the Devil (this should be capitalized, by the way, as the Devil is certainly real, as well as being a real threat). Given the unholy history of that country, we must be righteous and holy and uphold Christian values, and let the Haitians suffer the consequences of dealing with Satan. You play with fire, you're going to get burned! And, do you know what fire is? The Devil! He is living fire! He is scaly red, bifurcated tail wearing, pitchfork waving, fireballs shooting out of his butt FIRE. Can we forgive the Haitians for playing with such fire? I don't think so. No, I will not join in your prayers for the sinners. However, I will blog with self-righteous satisfaction about sinners going to hell. Check it out on my new blog, "Christifaction: the satisfaction of God in Action!"
Yours truly in Christ,
Brother TEMPLE

What say you, Christian Nation? Are the satanic hordes worth our time and effort?