Nutjob News Roundup

May 21, 2011.
Mark that on your calendar. I know I will. This is the day that Jesus will return and oversee the Rapture, when all good and righteous Christians will be wooshed into the sky to see Jesus's dad, who is really Jesus, as God created himself so that he could sacrifice himself to himself and spend a whole weekend in a tomb and then ressurect himself to go back to see himself in heaven where he was all along except when he was down here, which was at the same time...but I digress.

Family Radio Inc., a Christian radio network and fundamentalist braintrust are have announced that for sure, no foolin' this time, the world will end in just under 6 months. In fact, the Bible guarantees it! There is little doubt that this is correct as actual math was involved, and that's science, and who can argue with that?

According to Family Radio's Tom Evans, spokeman for their crack team of delusional mathematicians 'the Rapture will happen exactly 7000 years from the date that God first warned people about the flood. He said the flood happened in 4990 B.C., on what would have been May 21 in the modern calendar. God gave Noah one week of warning. Since one day equals 1,000 years for God, that means there was a 7,000-year interval between the flood and rapture."We hope that anyone would get a Bible out and try and prove that this is wrong," he said.'

Here's more, form their website, which is worth a look if only for its jaw-dropping, eye-rubbing lunacy...beware, there's an equation and everything.

In 2 Peter 3:8, which is quoted above, Holy God reminds us that one day is as 1,000 years. Therefore, with the correct understanding that the seven days referred to in Genesis 7:4 can be understood as 7,000 years, we learn that when God told Noah there were seven days to escape worldwide destruction, He was also telling the world there would be exactly 7,000 years (one day is as 1,000 years) to escape the wrath of God that would come when He destroys the world on Judgment Day. Because Holy Infinite God is all-knowing, He knows the end from the beginning. He knew how sinful the world would become.

Seven thousand years after 4990 B.C. (the year of the Flood) is the year 2011 A.D. (our calendar).

4990 + 2011 – 1 = 7,000

[One year must be subtracted in going from an Old Testament B.C. calendar date to a New Testament A.D. calendar date because the calendar does not have a year zero.]

Thus Holy God is showing us by the words of 2 Peter 3:8 that He wants us to know that exactly 7,000 years after He destroyed the world with water in Noah’s day, He plans to destroy the entire world forever. Because the year 2011 A.D. is exactly 7,000 years after 4990 B.C. when the flood began, the Bible has given us absolute proof that the year 2011 is the end of the world during the Day of Judgment, which will come on the last day of the Day of Judgment.

Amazingly, May 21, 2011 is the 17^th day of the 2^nd month of the Biblical calendar of our day. Remember, the flood waters also began on the 17^th day of the 2^nd month, in the year 4990 B.C.

Ooookay! Where to start? Well, burden of proof aside, the Bible is riddled with contradiction, vaguaries and general kookiness. It is, as has been mentioned ad infinitum before, a colloection of Bronze Age mythology that was cobbled together over centuries, the most contemporary New Testament writing being jotted down at least 30 years after Jesus/God went home for the semester. If God wrote the damn thing, as these cotton-brained mouth breathers explicitly state, you'd think he could have come up with something a little clearer, say a fucking DATE! Nope, have to do the math, folks. God is apparently a cosmic Sudoku maker. He also apparently knows how this whole shebang ends, and how wicked we would become. So what the hell is the bloody point of the whole exercise? He set the cosmos in motion, hiding dinosaur bones all over the place to throw us off, appears on the occasional cheese sandwich now and again, allows Satan to develop rock n roll, creates sinful homosexuals (according to Family Radio Inc., Gay Pride and same-sex marriage are also part of God's weirdly contrived plan and are a sign by him that the End is near), heals the odd cripple here and there, all the while knowing n advance exactly what would happen to the sinful that he created in the first place, and yet somehow can't figure out why we aren't without sin, which he must have known in the first place....my head hurts. It must be a bitch being God. No spoiler alerts, 'cause you already know that Vadar was Luke's father and that Bruce Willis is dead.

Still, I suggest that now would be a fine time to head out the door and sin, sin, sin. Come the 20th of May, merely kneel down, say 'my bad' and God's mercy will be upon you, even in his wrath. I invite anybody who subscribes to this twaddle to please give me your car, house, money etc. as you sure won't be needing it in heaven. I think the car lots up there are giving the things away, or at least have zero % financing for eternity. I really am curious how many of the sepf-proclaimed believers will give away their earthly possessions and how many will keep the house and car 'just in case"? The usual fallback for when the earth doesn't end is that enough people prayed their asses off that God was moved and decided not to smite us, in his mercy and confusion. Which begs the question, if this date is written in the Bible and has to be true, how do you square that with the inevitable non-end? Poor calculation? But its all worked out and makes perfect sense. I will be checking the website on the 22nd of May and can only imagine the gymnastics that will be involved in setting this right (there's your problem...you forgot to carry the 3...and did you factor in leap years, cause a quarter of a day is like 250 years to God...).

http://www.tennessean.com/article/20101201/NEWS06/12010350/Nashville+billboards+claim+Jesus+will+return+May+21++2011&h=c0e22

http://www.familyradio.com/index.html

On another note, the Answers in Genesis, the gang behind the Creation Museum where you can see dinosaurs co-existing with Adam and Eve, are building a...wait for it...full sized Noah's Ark. To be precise it is a 24.5 million dollar replica of the Ark. I am at a loss for words. I suppose there is no better way to spend an assload of cash than to build an ark. It is certainly better than, say, feeding the hungry or sheltering the homeless. The bottom linei s that it is going to be a tourist draw, and not for just the true believers either. Fuck me, I'd go see the damn thing if I was in the area. Why not? I enjoy looking at giant monuments. I once saw a giant fiberglass lobster in New Brunswick and it was excellent. I hope they fill it with animals and no air filtering mechanism, just to get an idea of how idyllic it must have been. I am constantly non-plussed by the humility of Fundamentalist Christians...sorry...stupidity.

http://www.wlwt.com/r/25961768/detail.html

Twat in a Hat!

http://crispian-jago.blogspot.com/2010/03/twat-in-hat.html

Lono alerted me to this. God knows how he found it, probably searching for some pornographic hats. "Penis hat" in google fails to turn up anything as good as Twat in a Hat. It does, however, turn up this alarming hat:

http://www.amazon.com/Zoogster-Penis-Hat/dp/B002IALSQK

We do the work, that Ass gets the credit.

I am posting this on behalf of Lono, who apparently doesn't remember how to work his computer...either that, or God is SO mad at him, that he has permanently fucked up his computer. It's probably the second reason.

Anyhow, here is his excellent tirade:

Well, after over two months stuck some 700 meters underground, miners in Chile are finally being pulled out of a hole drilled into the mine to rescue them. The miners ride up the shaft in a specially designed rescue pod, just barely smaller than the dimensions of the hole. Thus far, they emerge seemingly in good health and spirits, and are being shuttled to the surface at a somewhat faster pace than initially expected.

Seventeen days after the mine collapse, the miners were discovered to be alive and rescue operations launched. Engineers, geologists and other experts began to meticulously hammer out a plan to retrieve the miners as quickly as possible. This entailed drilling three different rescue shafts, using three different drilling rigs. Psychologists and NASA experts were called in to determine how best to keep the miners mentally fit and functional for the months it would take to finally reach them. Medical professionals were on hand to ensure that the miners would be physically able to endure both the time underground and the no doubt claustrophobic ride to the surface. Food, medicine, video links, entertainment were all lowered down smaller shafts so that the miners’ needs would be taken care of. In the end, it appears that all has gone according to plan and that the miners are going to emerge safe and with a hell of a story to tell.

Now, who gets the credit? Well, fuck, God of course! Almost every comment I have read or heard coming from the miners, their relatives and supporters thank the Almighty for His help in rescuing these men. It boggles the mind. First of all, and most importantly, this kind of nonsense is an insult to every person who worked for hours on end, day after day, diligently planning and digging and otherwise working their asses off to orchestrate the rescue. To suddenly ascribe it all to an invisible God is, frankly, a slap in the face for all those involved. Secondly, where the fuck was God in the first place. He seems to have a penchant for skiving off and having a cold one when there is work to do. Couldn’t he just *poof* them out of the hole and be done with it? Now that would have been impressive and would also have converted and humbled legions of non-believers while allowing the Pope and his ilk a snarky ‘told you so’. Why did the Big Guy let this happen in the first place? What an asshole.

I know that Chile is a very religious country, having if memory serves, been overrun by Catholic nutters who arrived in fleets of ships and proceeded to rape and slaughter almost all the indigenous peoples and then taking all the gold for themselves, all in the name of goo ol’ Buddy Christ. Consequently, after centuries of having Christianity literally beaten into them, the masses cling to their patently ridiculous mythology, to the exclusion of rational thought and giving credit where credit is fucking due. I personally do not believe any God or Gods exist, having never been presented with even a shred of evidence to support this supposition. Barring Jesus appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich, or a miracles that can more likely be attributed to spontaneous remission or medical intervention (in the case of illnesses), coincidence or plain dumb luck. Now I don’t suspect it will happen, nor do I hope it does, but if the shaft suddenly collapsed and trapped the remainder underground until further notice, perhaps crushing some poor bastard in the capsule while en route to the surface, would these ninnies still attribute it to God? More likely, it would be seen as the work of the devil, or some unfathomable link in God’s great plan. This kind of fuzzy-brained thinking puzzles and annoys the shit out of me.

Be that as it may, I don’t expect anything to change anytime soon. People will continue to praise God for his mercy and beneficence. He will continue to be thanked for from pulling a few hapless souls out of plane crashes while happily allowing incineration of the rest of the passengers. He will be acknowledged on bent knee for the work of antibiotics rather than the scientists or physicians who developed and prescribed them. He will be kowtowed to for his brilliance in not flooding all of some tropical island hit by a hurricane. He will even win football games for those who pray just hard enough. While we humans work fucking hard over generations to overcome the brutal reality of existence, to eke out a living on this mostly inhospitable ball of dirt in an uncaring and immense universe that gives not one shit about us, the faithful will take our toil and hand the kudos over to imaginary friends. It all comes down to thinking critically...but thinking is so darned hard! Should God exist, and should this God be the omnipotent, omniscient being of the Bible, He is a c#nt. He is a lazy, vindictive, insecure and wholly psychotic ass who can’t be bothered to reveal himself to us in any unambiguous manner. Yet his flock of boneheads (I am not much for cultural relativism) continue to minimize the actual physical labour of those who cumulatively SAVED THEIR LOVED ONE’S LIVES and who DESERVE PRAISE AND THANKS AND RESPECT and hand it over, lock, stock and barrel to their impotent imaginary fairy. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Lono is famous...again

Lono is in the newspaper again! That is at least four letters he has had published in the Ottawa Citizen to my total of zero. In fairness to my ego, I haven't tried yet, but even so, I am getting an ass kicking of biblical proportions.

Anyhow, a fire has been lit under my ass, and I am now on a quest to get in the paper. I'm debating between siding with Lono and fighting the good fight, or making a mockery of the process by pretending to be a retard, er, I mean Christian.

Here is the link to Lono's hateful spew:
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/opinion/Believers+shouldn+take+offence+free+speech/3402816/story.html

Care for some hypocrisy with your inaccuracy?

Boy, a lot wrong with today's missive from the Cathloholic News Service:

http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/1003136.htm

The basic position of the church, as expressed by a high ranking wizard, is that using small collections of cells from in vitro fertilization produces for research is the same as "the sacrifice of human beings." Quick, someone tell God! Not even counting all the real humans he manages to kill every year, but God is one avid abortionist. Every time God causes a spontaneous abortion, do we say he is making human sacrifices? We probably should. And God isn't even using the cells for anything, that prick! In contrast, scientists are using little blobs of cells from petrie dishes to help people walk again. Seems different to me. Of course, I am not of the mind that making people walk again should remain the exclusive purview of faith healers and Jesus. I often find myself trusting the evidence-based assertions of those damn dirty scientists, even if they are heathens.

Also from the article, stem cells are described as "totipotent," and that such cells "tend to reproduce a whole organism or individual, but not specialized cells." I'm not sure what biology class the author failed, but last time I checked, the whole organism is made of specialized tissues. It is theoretically possible for stem cells to make cells that have the characteristics of a given tissue- that is what totipotent means. However, reproduction of a whole organism or individual (whatever that means) is not something the cell does on its own- rather, it requires a complex environment- like being in a womb, or complex treatment with a variety of growth factors. These little cell blobs aren't sitting in a dish of kool-aid slowly turning into human beings. Only a retard, or a religious dummy, would think that is how stem cells work*.

* Before any one of our grand total of 3 readers calls me out, I know this last part is a "straw-man." However, by calling it a "straw man," that makes you a sexist. It's "straw-person." Now how do you feel, you oppressive tyrant?!

Douchebag of the Week

I know that Lono is planning to spew about this guy, but I figured I would prime the pumps by stealing his idea. Here is what I am talking about http://www.smh.com.au/world/irans-supreme-leader-seeks-music-ban-20100804-115xn.html

The most bewildering part is the Ayatollah's comment that people should "spend their valuable time in learning science and essential and useful skills, and fill their time with sport and healthy recreations instead of music." Christ, I don't even know where to start with that one. Honestly. I've been rendered typeless. Help me out, please. Anyone?

Anyhow, for stupidity so vast that it has deprived me of any ability or desire to argue rationally, the Ayatollah gets the first ever 'Douchebag of the Week' award here at Christinaction! Bravo! (Well, not really, but you know what I mean).

In any case, I hope to make Douchebag of the Week a somewhat regular feature here at the blog. At least, I hope I can get my shit together often enough to find a weekly douchebag. It might be a Douchebag of the Bi-week. Not for a lack of material, of course, but mostly because I suffer from one of the seven deadlies (sloth).

AMEN!

Temple Trouble and Icky

Ah, Temple, how nice and gratifying that the cheap little button I aquired for you is causing distress for Christian and spouse alike. First off, with all due respect for your significant other, it isn't supposed to be 'funny' in and of itself. The reaction it seems to generate most certainly is. This was one of the milder statements of atheistic worldview that was available at TAM. Some were much more mocking and funny. One I recall had the words 'born okay the first time'. Another said 'if you want peace, renounce Jesus and Allah'. How about 'Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people'. One more: 'religion. Because its easier not to think'. So a 'No god' button is hardly the most inflammatory one imaginable. On the other hand, if wearing a 'no God' button is enough to cause apoplexy in Christians, why do they proudly sport buttons and stickers trumpeting their own faith in an entirely unproven and improbable god? I refer of course to the 'Jesusfish' emblem, one that, despite residing in a nominally secular society, I still find attached to mini-vans and cars on a daily basis. It is not personally annoying to me. It merely helps me to instantaneously identify the intellectually feeble and lazy, at least in the realm of the theological.

But let's take a look at Icky's comments:

It is probably a group huddle of people who deserately don't want to believe in anything, telling each other that is[sic] is all okay. Serioulsy!

I find this a curious statement on a number of levels. First off, Icky speculates on what this disparate and diverse group of individuals think, without having attended the meeting in question or, I will venture, ever spent time in the presence of skeptics and free-thinkers. More than likely Icky would find such a group to be friendly, non-threatening and moer than happy to consider any argument and then weigh it on the basis of merit i.e. evidence. Secondly, to say that (and I will speak for the collective here) we don't 'believe' in anything equally curious. Belief is equivalent to 'faith' which is essentially to accept a position about something without having adequate proof. I don't want to believe in anything. I will however accept that something is true based on the evidence presented to me. I don't believe in unicorns, or fairies, or God because no demonstrable evidence has been presented to me.

One has to believe in something, otherwise there is no purpose or meaning in life.

What does Icky mean by 'believe in something'? I suspect he is suggesting that we are special and that we have a higher purpose to fufill, based on some divine plan. To this I say codswallop! Icky, how can I put this, all the evidence suggests that we have no preordained 'purpose' as such. We are, again based on unbiased scientifically verifiable evidence, not particularly special or important. We exist as the result of a series of cosmic events, entirely purposelessly directed, and find ourselves in the rather lucky position of being alive here and now. Humanity is really insignificant and the universe gives not a whit whether we are here or not. It would continue on rather nicely, thank you very much, in the absence of our kind, and will one day do just so. Sorry Icky, you are not special, just a lucky collection of chemicals that are organized as you for a while...This is not to say that our lives are meaningless. One's 'purpose' to use Icky's word, is what we make it. Personally, I will try to leave this planet a little better than when I entered, be kind and considerate to others, enjoy my life and take great pleasure in the universe and learning what little I can about it while I am here. Hey, I learned to fucking juggle at TAM, a skill that I continue to practice and improve, and certainly more worthy of my time than kowtowing to an imaginary being who displays the cruel moral standards of a psycho/sociopath.

Finally:

There is nothing in the human genome that accounts for why we have the cognitive, rational, emotional and creative capacity that separates human life from animal life. DO the TAM people talk about such things, or do they just hold hands and go, "Ohhhhhh, life is good!"

Icky's argument is one from ignorance. I can't see how we could have evolved to be rational, thinking creative beings therefore 'Godidit'. Icky, just because you, or for the sake of argument, scientists know how these things arose does not mean it will never be discovered. Hell, diseases used to be demons, the earth sat in the middle of all things, etc. Science is devoted to finding shit out, and by the way there is nothing wrong in saying 'I don't know'. It is more intellectually honest than pinning everything on a being you cannot demonstrate exists. If you are able to, please roll out the evidence (without recourse to spouting scripture). I will consider it and if I find it convincing, I will accept your God belief as true. Incidentally, the TAM speakers do indeed address such topics. We had a slew of neurobehavioral scientists and such speaking about these very topics. By the way, while every single detail of the origin of the aforementioned 'mysteries' has not been worked out, scientists now have a pretty good understanding of how these attributes came to be. In a nutshell, they have proven to be evolutionarily selected as beneficial for our species and society in general. For example, clearly cognition, the ability to think about situations, is an evolutionary advantage. Ditto for rationalism. Emotions likewise serve a purpose in that they allow others to interpret our moods and feelings and respond accordingly, the very essence of societal interaction. Creativity as well can be seen to be an evolutionary advantage. It involves communicating ideas to others, problem solving and a host of other higher cognitive functions that serve to unite us. In fact, your implication that the above traits are somehow unique to humanity is demonstrably false. Many animals, primarily mammals and birds display high levels of cognitive abilities, have the ability to pass on learned behaviors through teaching (arguably a creative pursuit), are clearly emotional and, at least in primates, are able to form societal structures that mirror our own.

Icky, I surmise that your grasp of biological science is either not that great (not insulting you here) or if it is, you are able to apply rational thought to all the areas of your life except your theological belief. Icky, you have been indoctrinated into a cult, a belief system that is predicated on clearly contradictory and ambiguous text, based on the inculcated fear of hellfire and the carrot of a heaven where you might dwell in hapiness for all eternity, if only you follow all of the arbitrary rules and teachings in your holy book. Your ilk have not yet, not ever, presented even a shred of evidence to back up your God. I am going to suggest that you never will or can.

The universe is a marvelous and wondrous thing Icky. Come to TAM, if you dare, with an open mind and you might, despite your protestations to the contrary learn something. We're nice folks, really. Sometimes we even hold hands and say'Ohhhhhh, life is good!' ... and why the hell not? It is a pretty good deal. I refuse to waste time worrying about mythology. Icky, I suspect you reject Allah, and Buddha, and Zeus and Poseidon, and all other Gods except Jesus and his Dad (but they're the same thing, right?). If so, you are only one God away from being an atheist. Good luck.

No God button, part deux

My response to Icky:

OK Icky, I am off to the gym, but to give you something to chew on, three questions:

1. Why would you have to believe in something to give life meaning?
2. How do you know what to believe in unless you have evidence that it is correct?
2. What if what you believe in is incorrect?

One other comment, before I go: we know that our closely related animal relatives have fairly significant cognitive abilities, commensurate with their brain size. Brain structure seems to be all that is required for our cognitive capacity. Even not so closely related species seem to show glimmers of cognitive capacity that mimics our own abilities.

No God button

Goddammit! Here we go. It didn't take long for the "No God" button to get me in trouble! Some background: Lono gave me the "No God" button he got from The Amazing Meeting (TAM). The button itself is a miracle of graphic design, with the word GOD in one of those red circle/slash things. Like the no smoking signs, except smokes actually exist. Anyhow, I'd like to point out that such a button would be very easy to steal, but Lono acquired it legally and ethically, despite the fact that he doesn't use the Bible to define the points on his moral compass. In any case, after a long road, the button is on my backpack. It offended a friend, who called it, "not funny," and today it aggravated a friend of mine, who, for the sake of his anonymity, we will call Icky. Why Icky? His nickname rhymes with icky, and I have been calling him by his nickname for so long, I can't remember his real name. It's not Bob, that's all I can tell you.

Anyhow, Icky, a devout Christstain (that is an intentional typo), saw the "No God" button today and blew a fuse...well, he is a very mild and restrained person, so lets say he flipped a breaker switch. Eventually, I told him where it came from, and a bit of the background of TAM. Somehow, he has the idea that a meeting of a group of skeptics proved the existence of god. I didn't understand that, and followed up by emailing him the agenda for the next TAM. For your reading pleasure, I paste in his response, which you may consider the opening salvo in a debate that will likely end a friendship...which, of course, will be published here for your reading displeasure.

It is probably a group huddle of people who desperately don't want to believe in anything, telling each other that is is all okay. Seriously!

One has to believe in something, otherwise, there is no purpose or meaning in life. This does not include belief in Macs - belief in sub-standard computers (Macs) because of their presumed symbols of social status, does not make for productive use of computing power, or for substantiating the purpose or meaning in life.

Do you know that humans have the same genes as animals, now that all genomes have been sequenced. There is nothing in the human genome that accounts for why we have the cognitive, rational, emotional and creative capacity that separates human life from animal life. Do the TAM people talk about such things, or do they just hold hands and go, "Ohhhhhhh, life is good!"

Icky

Radio God

Cruising the Catholic News Service today, I find this article:

http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/1002887.htm

As always, to save you the trouble of reading it, I'll give you my admittedly biased summary and response. This particular news service bulletin was dedicated to obscuring the link between Vatican Radio and cancer, specifically that higher rates of leukemia and lymphoma are observed in residents near the holy transmission towers.

Directly from God's DJs, aired in a killing cancer wave by Vatican Radio: "Vatican Radio will present its own comments and counter-deductions from its own technical consultants as soon as possible." Of course, the Vatican is operating under the notion that fact is really just a matter of opinion, and facts can be voted out of existence, so don't expect any mercy for the Vatican's latest series of victims...largely children again, as luck would have it. To that end, I present a corrected version of the quote above: "Vatican Death Radio will present its lies from biased mercenaries unless the problem goes away on its own."

But Vatican Radio, I've got a better idea: turn the fucking radio off until you know for sure that your electro-pap isn't killing people. I know caring for the lives of people showered by God's radio waves is probably an odd humanist concept, but it kind of makes sense, right? I mean, it's the fucking radio, for fuck's sake. Probably, what, 25 people still listen to Vatican radio regularly? Stream it on the internets if you just can't find another electron stream to piss into.

In any case, assuming the words of God are directly killing people (in radio format, that is, since the words of God(s) have been killing people ever since God(s) started talking), doesn't that seem a bit strange? I mean, shouldn't there be a healing effect? And, for that matter, what the hell is God doing about this? He can level Haiti, jiggle Ottawa, and ruin Lono's flight home from DevilCon, but he can't stop his own radio program from rotting little kids' insides?

Shit...wait a second...I don't like kids either. Now I get it. Never mind, I take it all back.

TEMPLE OUT!

God's (feeble) revenge

Just a quick note to let you (whomever that may be) that God may have finally exacted his revenge, in a rather unimaginative and slightly annoying manner. As it is late and I am tired and without strong drink I shall include details of the last day of TAM 2010 at a later date. Suffice to say that it was every bit as enjoyable as the previous days, with the big man, Richard D, giving the closing lecture, focusing almost entirely on the improbability of God and his disregard for what Steven J. Gould referred to as non-overlapping magesteria, although he didn't use those words. Essentially, it was curious to him, as to me, how any scientist or rational thinker could at the same time hold a belief in a sky daddy. The day also included a memorable quote from Paul Provenza, a comedian and writer who said (and I paraphrase) that one is not supposed to draw the prophet mohammed because he has a cock for a nose, and not a very impressive one at that. It may sound shitty now, but in context he brought the house down. Overall, the level of atheistic sentiment rampant at the conference was very high, the majority of T-shirt slogans bearing slogans such as 'Atheism is a non-prophet organization' and 'WWJD' (what would Jesus drink?). My favorite was a drawing of Jesus playing poker, with one of the other players saying 'ante, christ'. Ho ho.

Anyway, I got to the airport drunk, but on time. As I waited in the line of now-broke gamblers and moms with squalling brats, I found out that my flight had been canceled. I then had to wait over an hour and a half to re-book and get put up at at a second rate hotel on the flight path to Mclaren airport. This, if anything qualifies so far, must have been the big revenge, the wrath of God who must have been on a bender last night as this really is a pretty weak and unimaginative punishment for this heathen. On the other hand, I didn't have to take the red-eye and instead get to fly during the day, after a nights sleep.

Good god, what a bunch of incoherent drivel...

Still here, and still not dead

Ah, indeed...

Excellent session today, with quite a lot of the talks touching at least peripherally on religious belief and their origin. Michael Shermer gave an excellent synopsis about why this is so prevelant. Essentially, it breaks down into three parts: the brain being wired for pattern recognition, its desire to ascribe the unknown to an active force outside of ourselves and the incredible ability of our brains to search only for evidence which appears to corroborate our beliefs, confirmation bias. I particularly remember his characterization of the brain as mere 'electric meat'. Adam Savage, one half of hte mythbusters team whom I got to briefly meet, gave a very inspiring talk about skepticism and rational thought and made no bones about his atheism, so he has just gone up a huge level in my grading scheme. Hell of a nice guy. Astronomer Dr. Phil Plait gave a very thought provoking spiel about how skepticism and how to best present skeptical views to those holding ridiculous beliefs...very interesting indeed. If any religion combined the thinking skills and the sheer humanity and kindness of this lot, I would enter their seminary. The thinking part is, I think, the main shortcoming of most religious belief.

In response to Temple's comment, I did indeed wear my Satanfish shirt with a 'no God' button pinned to it for good measure to the meeting, which went over very well. However, despite my apparel-borne taunts, still no lightening.

I am off to indulge in two dollar tequila shots, which may subsequently result in my seeing God, or at least praying to him as I drive the porcelain bus...

Vegas Heathen meeting, part deux

Just returned from the TAM 2010 reception, which is a bit redundant come to think of it, as TAM stands for 'The Amazing Meeting'. So what I have just written is 'just returned from the The Amazing Meeting...', an extraneous use of a definite article.

Excellent gathering of heathens and blasphemers, some 1300 of the buggers. The opening address was by D.J. Grothe, James Randi and Michael Shermer, followed by a Q and A session with Richard Dawkins and Randi. Not surprisingly, the questions pretty much all revolved around the question of belief in fairy tales, or religion, which is the same thing. Strangely, no appearance by God was evident. Refreshments included shrimp, easy enough to taint, even for an oh-so-busy God. No, nothing untoward. Here was a gathering of over one thousand atheists in one easy to smite room and no big fireworks. Disappointing. The band even entertained with blasphemous music, one particular ditty presented in the style of a gospel tune with the lyrics 'I don't believe in no Jesus' and such like. Great harmonies, wonderfully presented, yet this almost mocking musical interlude was not interfered with in any supernatural way! C'mon God, you big pussy...What better way to make your presence and your displeasure known than to barbeque the whole damned bunch in one fell swoop, or swell foop even?

In any case, all is unfolding splendidly, a jolly fine cast of the strange, the cream of the heathens if I might say so myself. It is a curiously intellectual yet engaging crowd, with none of the pomposity that I usually find is rampant at most scientific conferences. Who knew that a gathering of the hellbound could be so refreshing. If hell is going to include these folks, I'm in.

Live from SIn CIty...

I'm currently in Las Vegas, that den of inequity, the land of debauchery, gambling, gluttony, sodomy and poor grasp of statistics. As I type this, I have just finished my second bottle of Dom Perignon, consumed just after snorting cocaine off the taut belly of a latino hooker. She's a feisty one and its all I could do to secure the ball gag and handcuffs before she had a chance to run screaming and naked from my luxurious suite high atop the hotel Gommorah. This scenario though would hardly register a nod from the local constabulary who are generally too busy with fishing bloated, bullet-riddled corpses out of hotel pools while quietly hustling the celebrity at fault out of town on the next high speed jet copter. So, as far as sinfulness goes, I am a rank amateur..

Which probably explains how I managed to survive so far without a hint of a lightening strike from above. Frankly, if I were God, I could do worse than to raze this place to the ground. I think though that this place is full of the pious and the virtuous, who waddle about in lumpen somnambulation, mindlessly pumping coins into fruit machines and gorging on yet another all-you-can-eat buffet. The real die-hards have the food brought to them by scantily clad cocktail waitresses who, with enough of a tip, will funnel food directly into the gaping maws of the entranced gamblers, who are too involved with the next Big Win to bother chewing. These people may initially seem revolting and sad, but they pray very hard for that slot machine to line up just right, and its that devotion that saves their necks and souls.

I must be flying under God's all-seeing radar I guess, my pitiful attempts at sin mere chaff. Vegas is an interesting place indeed, a plastic artificial oasis plopped into the middle of a landscape that seems to have been transplanted directly from the moon. It is dry, and hot...not unlike Hades itself. It is a cauldron of sweat and money, and everywhere lurk the predatory, just waiting for their cut of the Action. Frankly, I think God just gave Satan a pass and let him have this place, to keep him out of trouble or at least in view.

I like it here.

Good one...

I don't know who did it, but signing me up to the Shepherds of Good Hope Foundation mailing list was a stroke of genius. I am getting some excellent mail from these people.

Today's missive was a plea for money, to help "Elizabeth" who the Shepherds helped get off drugs. Except, it didn't work, "Elizabeth" is back in their "care", and the Shepherds of Bad Jobs need more cash. More cash to fail with, I guess. Sure, no problem, the cheque is in the mail- let me know when you need more to keep failing.

BUT, you know me (i.e., I'm a callous prick), and the point of this post is not some manner of pathetic social commentary, but to make fun of people. So, in that spirit, I can't help but laugh at this line from the letter, describing "Elizabeth":

"Sadly, teeth have been abused and some are even missing."

Hrmmm. It would be easy enough to change 'teeth' to 'children' and all of a sudden you are describing Christianity. ESPECIALLY if you add in the begging for money.

Godless politicians did this!

As some of you might know, Ottawa had an earthquake on Wednesday, which immediately brought to my mind all accusations made against the pagan hordes in Haiti. So, the old thinkolater cranked up its rusty parts and swung into action, and by 'action,' I mean "worthless pondering about the motivations of an imaginary being flapping around in the sky, reclining on clouds and swatting away those pesky angels." As you can tell, 'action' is a much shorter way to type that.

Just in case you have a passion for useless trivia, here is a link to Wikipedia's entry on the Ottawa big one: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_Ottawa_earthquake

By the way, does anyone else out there wonder if the Churches have their own wikipedia? They could call it "Wikipedophile," and, anti-technology stance of the church notwithstanding, I really think a wiki would help bring about the Fuckopalypse the priests so dearly seem to desire.

Anyhow, I'll get to the point: why did God put the mojo on Ottawa when the G8 and G20 are being held in Toronto? I mean, apparently Toronto felt some mild shaking, but it was really Ottawa that got the worst of it. Which is to say, some windows were broken, a lawyer's chimney collapsed and a session of the senate was interrupted (kudos, God, for the last two). Most interestingly, a church in Gracefield, QC was damaged- a friend of mine was there, actually, and informed me that the chimney of the church fell down. God apparently really hates chimneys, even on his own houses. You know, could knocking down chimneys be a passive-aggressive attack on that other famous imaginary being, Santa Claus? I think so! That is pure evil, God, pure evil.

So, back to the earthquake: why Ottawa? Are Canadians in league with the devil, along with the Haitians? Or more specifically, Canadian politicians? Actually, I think I just may have answered my own question, but I'll keep speculating, because I've got a big mouth and I doubt this entry is offensive enough, yet. In any case, I really wish we could get some insightful religious commentary on this, or does that only happen when the victims are helpless, poor and completely devastated (and, more cynically, not white enough)? If so, I get that- it is a standard bully strategy to pick on the weak. Not that I am calling the various religious leaders bullies, except that I am.

My interpretation, in view of God's shitty aim with lightning bolts (see previous entries), is that he really did try and knock down Toronto (which would also have had the effect of gaining him the adulation of most of the rest of Canada in the process). I mean, I know that Stephen Harper, and his equally pasty-faced minions, are as satanic as they come, but the G8/G20 must have presented an irresistible target for the Old Man. Too bad he is like the Mr. Magoo in the Pantheon of the Pretend*.

*I'm currently committing the sin of pride over this last sentence.

TEMPLE OUT!

Jesus and The Terminator...They'll both be back

re Grand Wizard Temple's post 'God has bad aim'. It appears the giant Jesus of Ohio (also formerly known as 'touchdown Jesus) will be rebuilt much like the terminator robots of Skynet. Link to the full article is here: http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/rebuilt-jesus-statue-will-be-fireproof-pastor-says-763039.html.



The aftermath of what Temple assumes was bad aim on the part of God has an eerily familiar look to it... a kind of foreshadowing of the coming robot apocalypse, which may or may not precied the coming zombie apocalypse. The statue, or Jesusinator, will be rebuilt possibly on a larger and more farcical scale. The clever twist to this spiritual meccano set will be that this time it will be fireproof! This is brilliant as the previous construction of metalic skeleton encased in oil-soaked rags and covered in flammable (or is it inflammable) fiberglass seems to have little staying power in the face of carelessly hurled electric bolts from the clouds, or God's feeble aim. I can only hope this new Jesusinator will have glowing red eyes and a loudspeaker that will promise his return in a ludicrous Austrian accent.

It is heartening to know that 'pastors' from around the world (an honourific incidentalywhich is as hollow and meaningless as proclaiminmg oneself a Jedi or a pet psychic) are taking time from their busy schedules of spreading mythology as fact, garnering undeserved respect and otherwise hoodwinking the sheeple, to help raise money for the rebuilding project. By helping raise money I mean, of course, scamming it from their followers. All well and good then. The original cost $250K, but you just know that fireproofing the bugger will easily double that, especially if they increase the size as well. There's money well spent, a comfort to the homeless and hungry who no doubt will happily settle for that can of cat food and a corrugated cardboard matress rather than maybe have that cash put to, say food and shelter. Maybe it was God's way of saying 'enough with the idolatry...I mean giant statues of me as my son, who I ended up killing and in essense therefore committed suicide, but then raised myself from dead, and I don't even like kids, hence I murdered me...er...sorry, I wandered off topic a bit... anyway, just help the FUCKING POOR INSTEAD OF WASTING CASH ON THIS KIND OF SHIT'. Maybe it was just a freak weather event, although the article says that Jesuszilla's hand burst into flame, which would have been kick ass to see.

'Iv you doo not rebent, I vill hund you down und derminate you. Chust remember, I vill be Bach!'

God has bad aim

Well, one of our loyal readers (perhaps our only loyal reader) alerted me to a recent lightning strike in Ohio, in which God fired a lightning bolt at a statue of his son, who then promptly burned to the ground.

The Washington Post (seriously?) had a very heathenish analysis of what appears to be a trend with God:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/06/15/AR2010061505135.html?hpid=topnews

I had no idea this was as common as it appears to be. I admit that I did laugh A LOT at the notion of a Jesus statue, arms upraised, getting blasted by lightning. I mean, come on, it's a funny image, right? Imagine it with a Sport Goofy style yell to go along with the zap.

But, what is going on here with God and his lightning bolts? I thought he only reserved that stuff for sinners and golfers (which are really the same thing). It really got me thinking: why does God hate religious statues? He appears to hate them even more than I do (I haven't electrified and burned a religious statue- and while I am not ruling it out, it isn't on my bucket list). Anyhow, as I gazed lovingly at myself in the mirror, the answer came to me. It's because they aren't of him. He is a jealous god (freely admitted, by the way). So, that problem was solved...and then a lightbulb went off in my head. God power equals green power. All we need to do is build millions of religious statues, and wire them into our power grid.

Preference for figures holding a really long staff, of course.

AMEN!

God's washcloth, and breakin' all the rules

Like a fly to shit, I am drawn to the Vatican News Service. I guess I just like to keep my eyes on what the Cathloholics are doing these days. Turns out, hordes of witless Christian turned out recently to "venerate" the shroud of Turin.

You can read about it here:
http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/1002157.htm

However, I'll save you the trouble of doing that, and point out some highlights:

One of the chief wizards of the church, Cardinal Severino Poletto of Turin, took a break from doing whatever these wizards normally do (such as hiding sex offenders), to blabber, "I had the clear perception that the Lord was speaking to the hearts of the pilgrims who came before the shroud seeking answers." I don't even know what the fuck that means, Cardinal. However, if it helps, I had the clear perception that the church in Turin was probably making a good deal of money showing people a beat up, dirty piece of linen.

The Cardinal also said, that the shroud "gives us the chance to offer faith in a time of confusion and spiritual fog, reconciling in the word of God." OK, that is a bit more clear. The shroud is a security blanket for Christians. I get that. When I had a child's intellect, I also needed a security blanket. Then I turned five years old and quit believing that my "blankie" had superpowers.

Even the Pope needed to "venerate" the shroud, and referred to it as an "extraordinary icon" that had been "written with blood: the blood of a man flagellated, crowned with thorns, crucified and wounded on his right side." This is in agreement with the wounds that the Gospels say Jesus received at the hands of the Romans, and it must be true, because there is no way to fake that, and Jesus was probably the only person crucified by the Romans. Right?

Now, I am no Bible scholar, but one of the Ten Commandments is as follows:

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. [edit impotent ranting about being a jealous god]"

Again, I am no scholar, but it sounds like the Shroud, and the veneration of the shroud is in violation of this commandment.

Bad Catholics! BAD!

Religion shuts off your brain. Is that news?

Reading New Scientist today, like the good little heathen I am, and I found this article:

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20627574.200-brain-shuts-off-in-response-to-healers-prayer.html

The gist of the study is that the religiously inclined/credulous morons among us actually become even more gullible when faith healers are preaching. In case you are too lazy to read the article, which I totally understand, I'll present my admittedly biased summary in the form of a quote from the article:

"Only in the devout volunteers did the brain activity monitored by the researchers change in response to the prayers. Parts of the prefrontal and anterior cingulate cortices, which play key roles in vigilance and scepticism when judging the truth and importance of what people say, were deactivated when the subjects listened to a supposed healer."

That does not bode well for faith-healing of the brain.

AMEN!

PS, lets have a caption contest in the comments section for that photo.