Pope, he was a rollin'stone

...wherever he laid his gigantic crazy-ass golden hat was his home. My apologies to the Temptations for savaging their lyrics, and also my condolences as they were not deemed worthy enough to have any of their devil music approved by the Grand Wizard, Pope Benedict 'I never was a Nazi' XVI. The Vatican newspaper released a list of the 10, by its account anyway, best rock or pop albums ever. The list includes, in no particular order:

Revolver by the Beatles
If I could Only Remember My Name by David Crosby
Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd
Rumours by Fleetwood Mac
The Nightfly by Donald Fagen
Thriller by Michael Jackson
Graceland by Paul Simon
Achtung Baby by U2
(What's the story) Morning Glory by Oasis
Supernatural by Carlos Santana

An interesting, if not particularly imaginative list. The list above was, as stated, published in the Vatican newspaper, but not necessarily as the Pope's own choices. He is probably too busy with counting gold and converting heathens and rolling around on a mattress filled with alter boys to actually do the hard work of sifting through the Vatican's vast music archives and getting down with a pair of headphones and a turntable (sonic quality matters) and listening to hundreds of albums. No, I imagine that some of the younger, up and coming zipper fiddlers were picked for the job. I checked the Vatican website to determine if this was so, and to hopefully read through a few pages of uplifting Catholic news and views, straight from the magic kingdom. To my slight surprise, full issues of the Vatican rag appear to be available only by subscription. A weekly subscription to L'Osservatore Romano is running at 240$ for a year's worth of pontification and progressive bronze-age thought. That's only 52 issues, by the way. I guess keeping those solid gold printing presses in working order is pretty expensive. A full year's subscription to the New York Times, including The backbreakingly huge Sunday Times comes in at a tad over 300 bucks. From a sheer 'trees killed perspective, the TImes is clearly a better deal, and it contains content that, while not spewed out by God Himself, nonetheless contains stories based mostly on fact.

It is possible that the Heavenly Fuhrer did actively participate in the album selections, and maybe he and his Cardinal Crew get together on Friday nights to spin some tunes, take of their mitres and shake it up with some nuns and a few pages. Yeah, I can see it...breaking out the good chalices and the expensive Bordeaux, snorting cocaine off the taut buttocks of the novice sisters and dancing and grinding all night before heaving up in the vestry. Good times. Or maybe not. Still, while you may dismiss the above scenario as the raving of a madman clearly in need of therapy, I am sure that far stranger things have happened in the Vatican. It is at its most basic, a boys club which is beyond reproach and afforded slavish adoration by millions upon millions of the faithful. Any proclamation, no matter how absurd or irrational, is greeted as an absolute truth, passed on from God himself, the opinion beamed from the next world and into the giant antenna hidden in that comically large hat of the Pope's. It's a pretty good gig, almost universal supplication and unearned respect. Thinking is pretty hard work indeed. These guys, the ones at the top, can do pretty much whatever they wish. I'm not saying they do. The majority may be sincere in their desire to do the invisible Genie's work and stay celibate, and help the poor and downtrodden, and fucking Save Humanity from the horrors of Hell!. Probability-wise though, there have to be some clergy who believe none of it, who know God is up there with unicorns and fairies in terms of believability, and merely enjoy the great many perks. But I am rambling here, so back to the list...

Looking at that list, a few questions come to mind. Is this some sort of a publicity stunt, like new Coke, a desperate attempt to be relevant and interesting to youth, never mind that most of the albums on the list are decades old. I don't think most people under 25 even know what the hell a 'Fleetwood Mac' or a 'Donald Fagan' is. Still, looking at the list, I have to question the criteria used. Dark Side of the Moon is a fine piece of work, once the staple of Laser Floyd shows and stoner basements. Revolver-brilliant! Even if you hate the Beatles, it is a great bit of work. It has 'Taxman', a song about something the church never pays. It alsio has 'Eleanor Rigby', which includes the mention of a church, even if the song taken as a whole is among the most depressing things ever penned, a real gun-barrel-in-the-mouth number. It also has 'Here, There, and Everywhere' which may refer to God's omnipresent function, or to a creepy stalker who is looking at yu right this minute! Fleetwood Mac's Rumours, also a classic. It includes 'Oh Daddy', 'Don't Stop', 'You Make Loving Fun' and 'I don't want to Know', all of which describe a typical dirty weekend in the confessional. What all three albums have in common is that they are all produced by admitted drug fiends! The torch is passed in this era to the likes of Oasis, led by the dysfunctional Gallager brothers who alternate heavy drinking and drugging with some harmless fraternal fisticuffs. Brotherly love no doubt. U2 is presumably chosen because they are Irish, and therefore possibly Catholic, although I am not sure of this last point. I don't care enough to look it up. Still, there is that appealing German title, 'Achtung' which must bring back fond memories for the Pope of his Hitler Youth days. The Irish band might also get the nod for the forward thinking policy created by the leprechauns in charge of the country, namely the enacting of an anti-blasphemy law, wherein a fine of up to 36,000$ can be applied against any person who insults religious beliefs. This makes sense, becaues if ther is a god, said omiscient, omnipotent being is just a tad insecure and will be sent bawling to a corner of heaven if an isult comes His way. Michael Jackson's Thriller is an obvious choice. It is, by all accounts, a milestone in popular music. Still, at the very least, MJ was a loon, and at worst...let's just say he might have made a very happy priest. Paul Simon's Graceland is a solid offering, easy and innoffensive, some political relevance and catchy world beat rhythms and arrangements before there really was a world music focus. It's a pretty safe choice, with a vaguely anti-apartheid message. This album might be there to remind the churchies that there are still a shitload of heathens in Africa who need some converting. Santana's 'Supernatural' has a title about the, well, supernatural, so both the Vatican and Santana share equally credulous beliefs. David Crosby? C'mon! The man is on his third liver, and I am pretty sure he smoked a joint or two in is day...pretty sure. Donald Fagan, a man whose band 'Steely Dan' is supposedly named after a dildo, well.... and the other guy...no opinion really. Jazz of some sort I understand. Jazz, with all its canoodling and often bizarre and atonal machinations is clearly the devil's own music.

So, I am left baffled by the whole thing. Who exactly picked the albums? Aging frat boys? Sadly out of touch codgers? Random search engine? I am unsure who assembled this list. I am expecting a series of top ten lists to follow, with a sly nod to David Letterman no doubt. Top Ten movies...Top Ten Television Dramas...Top Ten sins...Top Ten Saints...Top Ten methods of administering Rohypnol...Top Ten locations for up Thai rent boys. This could be the ticket to a renewed relevancy! The Catholic church has been in a bit of bother lately, what with issuing apologies to the Irish Catholic community for some kiddie fiddling on behalf of clergy, as well as in in Nova Scotia, in Boston, in Quebec, among aboriginals, and among the mentally challenged. Contraception is still a bad thing, of course, as is the ordination of women clergy. Don't mention the war! Nothing to see herei n our vast WWII-era archives, which we won't release. Still, a top ten albums list! That is very important news indeed!