Mark that on your calendar. I know I will. This is the day that Jesus will return and oversee the Rapture, when all good and righteous Christians will be wooshed into the sky to see Jesus's dad, who is really Jesus, as God created himself so that he could sacrifice himself to himself and spend a whole weekend in a tomb and then ressurect himself to go back to see himself in heaven where he was all along except when he was down here, which was at the same time...but I digress.
Family Radio Inc., a Christian radio network and fundamentalist braintrust are have announced that for sure, no foolin' this time, the world will end in just under 6 months. In fact, the Bible guarantees it! There is little doubt that this is correct as actual math was involved, and that's science, and who can argue with that?
According to Family Radio's Tom Evans, spokeman for their crack team of delusional mathematicians 'the Rapture will happen exactly 7000 years from the date that God first warned people about the flood. He said the flood happened in 4990 B.C., on what would have been May 21 in the modern calendar. God gave Noah one week of warning. Since one day equals 1,000 years for God, that means there was a 7,000-year interval between the flood and rapture."We hope that anyone would get a Bible out and try and prove that this is wrong," he said.'
Here's more, form their website, which is worth a look if only for its jaw-dropping, eye-rubbing lunacy...beware, there's an equation and everything.
In 2 Peter 3:8, which is quoted above, Holy God reminds us that one day is as 1,000 years. Therefore, with the correct understanding that the seven days referred to in Genesis 7:4 can be understood as 7,000 years, we learn that when God told Noah there were seven days to escape worldwide destruction, He was also telling the world there would be exactly 7,000 years (one day is as 1,000 years) to escape the wrath of God that would come when He destroys the world on Judgment Day. Because Holy Infinite God is all-knowing, He knows the end from the beginning. He knew how sinful the world would become.
Seven thousand years after 4990 B.C. (the year of the Flood) is the year 2011 A.D. (our calendar).
4990 + 2011 – 1 = 7,000
[One year must be subtracted in going from an Old Testament B.C. calendar date to a New Testament A.D. calendar date because the calendar does not have a year zero.]
Thus Holy God is showing us by the words of 2 Peter 3:8 that He wants us to know that exactly 7,000 years after He destroyed the world with water in Noah’s day, He plans to destroy the entire world forever. Because the year 2011 A.D. is exactly 7,000 years after 4990 B.C. when the flood began, the Bible has given us absolute proof that the year 2011 is the end of the world during the Day of Judgment, which will come on the last day of the Day of Judgment.
Amazingly, May 21, 2011 is the 17th day of the 2nd month of the Biblical calendar of our day. Remember, the flood waters also began on the 17th day of the 2nd month, in the year 4990 B.C.
Ooookay! Where to start? Well, burden of proof aside, the Bible is riddled with contradiction, vaguaries and general kookiness. It is, as has been mentioned ad infinitum before, a colloection of Bronze Age mythology that was cobbled together over centuries, the most contemporary New Testament writing being jotted down at least 30 years after Jesus/God went home for the semester. If God wrote the damn thing, as these cotton-brained mouth breathers explicitly state, you'd think he could have come up with something a little clearer, say a fucking DATE! Nope, have to do the math, folks. God is apparently a cosmic Sudoku maker. He also apparently knows how this whole shebang ends, and how wicked we would become. So what the hell is the bloody point of the whole exercise? He set the cosmos in motion, hiding dinosaur bones all over the place to throw us off, appears on the occasional cheese sandwich now and again, allows Satan to develop rock n roll, creates sinful homosexuals (according to Family Radio Inc., Gay Pride and same-sex marriage are also part of God's weirdly contrived plan and are a sign by him that the End is near), heals the odd cripple here and there, all the while knowing n advance exactly what would happen to the sinful that he created in the first place, and yet somehow can't figure out why we aren't without sin, which he must have known in the first place....my head hurts. It must be a bitch being God. No spoiler alerts, 'cause you already know that Vadar was Luke's father and that Bruce Willis is dead.
Still, I suggest that now would be a fine time to head out the door and sin, sin, sin. Come the 20th of May, merely kneel down, say 'my bad' and God's mercy will be upon you, even in his wrath. I invite anybody who subscribes to this twaddle to please give me your car, house, money etc. as you sure won't be needing it in heaven. I think the car lots up there are giving the things away, or at least have zero % financing for eternity. I really am curious how many of the sepf-proclaimed believers will give away their earthly possessions and how many will keep the house and car 'just in case"? The usual fallback for when the earth doesn't end is that enough people prayed their asses off that God was moved and decided not to smite us, in his mercy and confusion. Which begs the question, if this date is written in the Bible and has to be true, how do you square that with the inevitable non-end? Poor calculation? But its all worked out and makes perfect sense. I will be checking the website on the 22nd of May and can only imagine the gymnastics that will be involved in setting this right (there's your problem...you forgot to carry the 3...and did you factor in leap years, cause a quarter of a day is like 250 years to God...).
http://www.tennessean.com/article/20101201/NEWS06/12010350/Nashville+billboards+claim+Jesus+will+return+May+21++2011&h=c0e22
http://www.familyradio.com/index.html
On another note, the Answers in Genesis, the gang behind the Creation Museum where you can see dinosaurs co-existing with Adam and Eve, are building a...wait for it...full sized Noah's Ark. To be precise it is a 24.5 million dollar replica of the Ark. I am at a loss for words. I suppose there is no better way to spend an assload of cash than to build an ark. It is certainly better than, say, feeding the hungry or sheltering the homeless. The bottom linei s that it is going to be a tourist draw, and not for just the true believers either. Fuck me, I'd go see the damn thing if I was in the area. Why not? I enjoy looking at giant monuments. I once saw a giant fiberglass lobster in New Brunswick and it was excellent. I hope they fill it with animals and no air filtering mechanism, just to get an idea of how idyllic it must have been. I am constantly non-plussed by the humility of Fundamentalist Christians...sorry...stupidity.
http://www.wlwt.com/r/25961768/detail.html
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